{July 13, 2011. The day after Andy and I made a powerful decision that promised to change the course of our lives, I took a rare hour to myself to think, to write and to set some personal goals. Now that we're through the learning curve and living our changed life, I look back at this journal entry and all of it makes sense. I now know that our journey has cleared a path for us to create the life we choose. Here is what my headspace looked like in the moment we embraced the change.}
It's awfully hard to be patient with life sometimes.
Even under the very best of circumstances, as I am. My home is stable. I have joy in my days, a clean bill of health, and the love of my amazing family. We want for nothing - we live in a free, safe, democratic, and clean country. We are on good terms with family. We have a car for the first time. We have a vivacious toddler boy and a brand new baby girl in our lives. I wouldn't know where to begin counting my blessings.
So maybe it's this incredible love and stability, elevating me, that compels me to see farther and want to follow a path toward self-actualization. Last night, our scheduled creative night was hijacked by a business opportunity. And while it was incredibly exciting, part of my heart was reserved for writing in my journal. That part of my heart couldn't leap with anticipation for a profitable career last night... it only wanted to write, and write, and I was terrified that I'd lose the creative momentum I've been building. The only person who is going to write my words is me. The only person left to make or break my vision is myself. I am so scared of letting it go again. Of letting other concerns overshadow my writing time. I must keep my pen moving in order to carve out my future.
Today, now, both sides of my heart seem to be communicating again. I can pursue the career that allows me the lifestyle with ample time and means to write. I will make responsible financial and professional decisions to help protect my children. And I am creating the words, characters and stories that illuminate my life. Writing is the act of living consciously. My writing will help me to inspire Gabriel and Ariadne's imaginations. I can only hope my words will help them shape their world view.
It's fascinating to live consciously through writing. When I began moving my pen today, I had been sitting downtown and people watching. And I couldn't help but notice that every woman on the SkyTrain and walking downtown seemed better dressed than I am. Accessories sparkled in all directions - golden bracelets, stylish purses, summer shoes, ethereal scarves. I look at these women and I feel hopelessly... outdated. I'm 8 weeks postpartum and nothing fits. I haven't bought clothes in a serious way for years. And there's a distinct pang- a millimetric shadow of a feeling, like a distant cousin of grief and longing, that catches in my throat when they walk past. It was this microdespair I actually wanted to write about.
And then I began taking stock of all the reasons I have to be grateful. My disappointment is a prime example of a first-world problem. If I feel envy at these downtown women, what more of the rest of the world? How does my reaction compare to real envy? Real grief, longing, disappointment? How many people might feel those things when looking at my life? And what in life besides these modern wardrobes makes my real wish list?
If I had to write the wish list down, here's what it might look like. Mornings running in the forest with Andy. A year travelling and teaching our kids world history, on location. Unpacking a brown box containing my very first published novel. A home with a garden and a library. The means to continue writing while working in a meaningful job. True leadership. Laughing with Gabriel and Ariadne. Seeing them graduate from university. Contributing to the world through philanthropy. Living a life that inspires Andy to write music. Dinner overlooking a vineyard in Tuscany.
And maybe, just maybe, a pair of pants that fits.
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